|
In a sure sign that I have no life, I
am spending entirely too much time worrying about how Liza Minnelli’s
new marriage is going.
I can’t help it.
I’m obsessed. I followed the details of Liza’s nuptials to producer
David Gest the way straight men follow sports. I even lost a whole night
of my life examining her bridal registry, courtesy of Tiffany.com. The
Tiffany Bridal Registry is endlessly fascinating because it shows both
the quantity requested by the bride as well the quantity still needed.
One can see, for instance, that none of Liza’s guests bought any of
the 12 requested Elsa Peretti Platters (at a cost of $2,900 each), or
any of the $4,000 Elsa Peretti Tureens, either.
And no one ordered the
Elsa Peretti Pumpkin Boxes at $650 a piece, presumably because no one
knows what the hell a pumpkin box is.
As I continued to sift
through the requests, I realized that no one had bought Liza any of the
expensive gifts. In fact, as of the wedding day itself, only four people
had bought an item that had cost more than $1,000. Now certainly when
you look at the guest list (Esther Williams, Tito Jackson, Gina
Lollabrigida), you realize that some of these people haven’t worked in
years, so I guess it’s understandable. But there were plenty of A-list
celebs on the list, too, including Best Man Michael Jackson and Matron
of Honor Elizabeth Taylor. I can only conclude that Liza’s friends
were simply too cheap to buy her anything nice. I bet Catherine Zeta
Jones and Michael Douglas pulled a Nancy Reagan and just rewrapped one
of the leftover gifts from their wedding. (I can just hear Jones saying,
“Well, it is her fourth marriage, after all.” Yeah, just you wait,
bitch.)
Poor Liza. It’s not
enough that she’s had to endure chemical dependency, hip replacement
and encephalitis. But to be dissed by her own friends like this. It’s
too embarrassing. I realized the best way to show Liza who her real
friends are would be to buy her a gift myself.
I cursored through the
list to see if there was anything I could afford and was horrified to
discover that all 16 of the $32 Elsa Peretti Thumbprint Brandy Snifters
had been bought already, which means Liza’s “friends” are not only
cheap but, considering Liza’s battles with substance abuse, cruel,
also.
I settled for the next
least expensive thing, a $65 Elsa Peretti Butter Spreader, Flat Handle.
That’s right, I spent 65 bucks on a butter knife. What’s more, 16
cheap bastards spent half of what I did and actually got to go to the
wedding.
I’m glad I did the
right thing, though. I take great pleasure in the thought of Liza
rolling out of bed around the crack of noon to the sound of her new
hubby clanking around the kitchen.
“Do you want toast,
honey?” he calls in to her.
“Yes, dear,” she
says, and then bursts into song, belting out “Start spreading the
butter…”
Tiffany.com assured me
that my gift would be delivered in one of Tiffany’s signature
robin’s egg blue boxes. This pleases me, too, because, while I’ve
given wedding gifts in Tiffany’s signature robin’s egg blue boxes
before, they’ve always held something from Target.
There was even a place
to write Liza and David a personal note. Mine said, “Sorry we
couldn’t be at the wedding. Congratulations and best wishes. Love,
Marc & Floyd.”
Floyd took a look at it
and said, “But we weren’t invited to the wedding.”
“Yeah, that’s why
I’m sorry we couldn’t be there,” I said. Besides, I just love the
idea of Liza and David sitting around their apartment, surrounded by
robin’s egg blue boxes, saying to one another, “Do you know a Marc
and Floyd? I don’t know a Marc and Floyd.”
Before I exited the
site I discovered it would cost me $10 to ship a butter knife, despite
the fact that Liza lives just a few blocks from Tiffany’s. For that
kind of money, Elsa Peretti herself better be delivering it.
But that is the kind of
cheap-ass thinking of Liza’s ungrateful guests and I won’t succumb
to it. I just hope that Liza appreciates those of us who really care
about her and remembers who to invite the next time she gets married.
Maybe then she’ll follow the example of her sister Lorna Luft, who
couldn’t attend the wedding because she was performing at Gay Pride in
Sydney, Australia.
Now there’s a woman
who knows who her real friends are.
And that, my friends,
is The Gospel According to Marc.
Marc Acito’s address is now registered with
Tiffany.com so Liza can send a thank-you note. He can be reached at MarcAcito@attbi.com
|
Back to Top of Page 