Life is Great for an Instant Mom

That’s the scenario for Millsboro resident Leslie Vincent and not only is she coping, both she and her foster daughter are thriving.

Leslie sat down in the Camp Rehoboth office one day, between errands, responsibilities, and her teaching job at Del Tech, and talked about her “instant motherhood.” An organized, gregarious woman, Leslie looked the part of a busy mom heading for a PTA meeting in anywhere U.S.A. But she was in Rehoboth, and glowing about her foster care experience.

Leslie, who came to Sussex County from the Philly area three years ago, had been in a series of relationships that ended, and she found herself at age 40, alone and thinking about parenting. Having honed her nurturing skills in animal rescue, (“I took in lots of strays!”) she began to think about being a foster parent.

“I looked at fostering as a ‘pass it on’ thing. I had a very close mentor as a child and I wanted to pass that kind of relationship along. My mentor very possibly prevented another teenage suicide.”

Initially envisioning herself with an older child, maybe age 5 to 8, Leslie investigated foster care. In January 2001 she called what was then the Delaware Division of Family Services, presented herself as a single person and participated in training sessions offered by the agency.

“I took classes in Georgetown-nine weeks of training, with homework. We talked about handling stressful situations, our own childhoods, what kind of emotional damage some of these kids have and the coping mechanisms-which might seem anti-social-that they’ve developed,” Leslie says.

As for her sexuality, Leslie was not specifically “out” to her training class, but the leaders of the program knew she was gay. “I knew I couldn’t hide this aspect of my life,” Leslie says, “and I found it was totally, absolutely not a problem, I’m shocked and happy to say.”

As her classes wound down, Leslie told the agency that she wanted to get through the summer, at least until late August, before bringing a foster child into her home. And she specifically asked for a 5 to 10 year old.

At the end of May she got a call asking her if she could foster a thirteen year old girl-immediately. “And that’s how my daughter Erica came to live with me.”

When the match was made, Leslie and Erica had a chance to check each other out and see if it was a good fit. “I immediately fell for her,” says Leslie. “I saw an awful lot of myself at that age in her. It’s strange, but people actually say she looks like me!”

So how is it fostering a teen? “People think that foster care is a nightmare, and it’s true that dealing with a teenager-any teenager-is no cakewalk, but we’re doing just fine,” Leslie says.

While Erica was diagnosed as hyperactive and violent, she is now given reasonable privileges, limits, and lots of attention, and, according to her new Mom, is “doing just great!

She wanted to call me ‘mom’ immediately.”

For Erica, it had to be an adjustment as well. “When she arrived, she said “when are you getting rid of me?’ I’ve seen her develop into a more secure person, somebody with real

choices.”

And now it will be up to Erica if she wants to be adopted by Leslie, or if she will stay on as a permanent foster child. The difference is subtle and related to certain rights and legal decisions. But either way, Erica will definitely be a permanent part of Leslie’s life and household.

And speaking of household, it’s grown even larger.

“Just when I figured it would be me, alone with Erica, I met someone and we’ve been together since last August.” Leslie and Von are now making permanent plans themselves and becoming a family.

“Von has adult children and a grandchild. I know she didn’t anticipate going through the teenager thing again, but Erica really likes her. I suspect there will be the normal step-parent tensions, but they do really like each other and it seems to be working out really well,” says Leslie, smiling at the incongruity of it all.

And how about Erica having a gay mom? Any problems with that? “Not really,” says Leslie,” although I think she might get some hassle in school but I don’t know how much because I think Erica protects me. But I know she has no problem with it.”

According to Leslie, Erica has admitted that things might sometimes be a little easier if her Mom was straight, but she’s totally fine with it and out to her friends. Leslie reports that Erica announces “This is my Mom and this is her financé Von, and you know my Mom’s gay, right?” It seems as natural as can be.

Has Leslie been following Rosie O’Donnell and her crusade for gay adoption? “Absolutely! Rosie rocks!” she says, “and as gay parenting gets more focus, it’s becoming clear that in a lot of cases, gays are willing to take in the kinds of kids that others won’t consider. Rosie has been a wonderful spokesperson.”

So does Leslie have advice for folks considering foster parenting or adoption? “Yeah….Don’t convince yourself you can’t do it. These agencies are anxious for foster parents to help these kids, and they will give you all kinds of support-financial, transportation, daycare, whatever you need. And there’s no question whatever that being upfront with your sexuality is the right thing to do.”

It’s been a whirlwind. Leslie went from being totally single to being in a partnership as a Mom to a teenager and step grandmother to a little one. Now she’s looking forward to showing up on the beach at North Shores this summer, with her whole family in tow. What a difference a year makes!

Anyone interested in adoption or foster parenting can go online and investigate www.adopt.org. There are youngsters waiting for good homes right here in Delaware.