The Fashion Dog Days of Summer
The summer heat is beating down on our
heads, and sizzling summer fashions have arrived! I love the casual summer
feel, with baseball caps, T-shirts, shorts, and comfortable shoes.
However, some of us push the delicate fashion envelope just a bit too far
during the summer season. Therefore, I humbly offer the following summer
fashion tips. Understand that I am no fashion plate, at least as a boy.
I’ve been known to (gulp!) run to Wawa in the middle of the night for a
pack of smokes, clad in Garfield pajama bottoms and a T-shirt that should
have been landfill material last decade. So if you see me soaking up the
Rehoboth sun this summer and breaking my own fashion rules, have a little
sympathy for me. Even we wonderful gay people can’t always be perfect.
First off—footwear. My biggest pet peeve
in this area is people who wear sandals or flip-flops and shouldn’t. If
people might mistake you for the antichrist because of your cloven hooves,
do not wear sandals. If you could slice up the Thanksgiving turkey with
your big toenail, do not wear sandals. If your nails are as thick as Dolly
Parton’s foundation or as yellow as the summer sun, don’t wear
sandals. Pedicures are relatively inexpensive ways to treat ourselves, so
please treat yourself to a pedicure and treat us to a pleasant
foot-viewing experience. If you choose to hide your piggies in shoes,
please include socks, and not ones that come up to your knees. Nothing
says “old fart” quite like a pair of striped tube socks pulled up
higher and tighter than Joan Rivers’ face. And do I even need to mention
socks with sandals?
Contrary to my partners’ belief, I feel
strongly that sandals work with just about any outfit, as long as
they’re on par with the style you’re searching for. Although 99-cent
Old Navy plastic flip-flops don’t cut it with a stylish pair of dress
pants, a comfortable, tasteful, open-toe sandal looks mah-velous and feels
great on your tired puppies. Basic black non-Jesus-sandals are just fine
with long pants. And, for the love of all that’s gay—NO CROCS! If you
feel the need to have crocs on your feet, do us all a favor and dangle
your legs in the Everglades. Lastly, leave the jelly shoes at home with
the peanut butter.
As for your top (and I don’t mean your
partner), choose wisely. If you wear a muscle shirt, matching muscles are
a necessity, not an optional accessory. There are some guys out there who
look great in muscle shirts. I’m no longer part of that happy tribe, so
my muscle shirts, at least for now, remain in the bottom of my dresser
drawer where they should be, awaiting the glorious return of my former
20-something body. Although muscles are a must-have accessory for muscle
or sleeveless shirts, white deodorant is a must-not-have. Choose a clear
deodorant so you don’t lift up your arm and look like you have George
Washington’s powdered head in a lock.
As for other shirt-choosing tips, carefully
choose to tuck or not to tuck. Muffin tops are only attractive on baked
goods. At all costs, avoid sheer or fishnet shirts. They’re too gay for
even Tom Cruise. Slip on slogan T-shirts sparingly. It might be funny the
first time I read it at happy hour, but by last call, the novelty has
really worn thin. Classic, plain T-shirts are always in style and are
always a safe choice, unless you plan to cover them with more gaudy
necklaces than Mr. T. Finally, your shirt should not be louder than the
DJ. Do dazzle friends and potential romantic partners with your charm. Do
not blind them with your clothing. Hawaiian shirts only look cute in
Honolulu.
For your bottom half, long pants and jeans
look fine year-round, but many of us prefer shorts in the summer. Just try
to avoid cutting off a raggedy, faded pair of jeans you wore in high
school and calling them “vintage.” Daisy Duke shorts should stay in
fictional Hazzard County where they belong. Biker shorts should cover your
derriere only when it’s perched atop a bicycle seat. And if you choose
to show off your legs, make sure they’re not as pasty white as the
Pillsbury Doughboy. Sun-worshipping, with all its cancer-causing dangers,
is no longer “hot.” But neither are legs that look like they’ve
never seen the sun. Finally, if you have limbs (or a back!) as hairy as
Sasquatch, give them a trim or a wax now and then. Or at least give
everyone at the bar something to talk about by braiding up some cornrows
and tying them off with colorful plastic balls.
Accessories are a must have for the gay
summer, but beware—some heterosexuals will design and sell gay people
anything to make a buck. Over-accessorizing could even be part of a vast
right-wing conspiracy to convince intelligent, fashion-forward Americans
that we’ll waste our notoriously ample “disposable income” on any
old thing or any new fashion. In an effort to boost our image nationwide,
I humbly offer the following handy guidelines for accessories. If you like
oversized sunglasses, why go only half the way? Head to your local costume
shop and pick up a pair of those gargantuan clown sunglasses with lenses
the size of your head, and put Paris and Nicole to shame. Also, no matter
how many muscles are rippling up and down your arm, it just does not look
masculine with a “manbag” hanging off your fingers. Unless it cleverly
disguises an oxygen tank, leave it at home. Do the same with your fanny
pack, or you deserve a fanny spanking.
We all love the bling, but as with
cocktails at happy hour, a little goes a long way. You may feel like a
queen for the night, but don’t walk out the door decked out in more gold
and gems than Cleopatra. It’s always a good idea to rate yourself on the
gay accessories scale before you walk out the door. If you’re wearing
three anklets, two necklaces, bracelets up and down each arm, and eight
earrings, you’re tipping the scales far too heavily toward the pink
side. And as for rainbow anything, just say NO! That’s a no to rainbow
jewelry (unless very subtle), rainbow shirts, rainbow belts, rainbow
shoelaces, and rainbow suspenders. You’re not Mork, and you’re not
from Ork.
Na-nu, no-no.
If
you’d like to add to this summer fashion faux-pas list, or report a
summer fashion emergency, contact Eric at anitamann@comcast.net.
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